


Random Sanders Sides Crack and Prompts

by WingARdiumleviOsa_SandersSides



Category: Sanders Sides (Web Series)
Genre: Deceit, Incorrect Quotes, Remus - Freeform, Sanders side crack, Swearing, remus is remus
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-08-15
Updated: 2020-04-02
Packaged: 2020-09-01 13:37:26
Rating: General Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 12
Words: 7,312
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20258968
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/WingARdiumleviOsa_SandersSides/pseuds/WingARdiumleviOsa_SandersSides
Summary: This is exactly what the title says. A whole ton of incorrect quotes and crack.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first ever posting, I'm still trying to get used to the site. Bear with me!
> 
> I obviously do not own any of the Sanders sides (I wish though) and I do not own any of the original quotes.
> 
> Sorry for any typos.

Virgil: I heard you like bad boys. Well, I'm bad at everything

Virgil: I don’t feel good about this. 

Virgil: I DON’T FEEL GOOD ABOUT THIS!

Roman: (Shouting from another room) When do you feel good about anything?!

Logan: My partner must be top of the line, organized, graceful-

Patton: Hi, my name is Pat- (trips over thin air, screams, spills water all over Virgil, accidentally pours dirt on Roman’s head, breaks his glasses)

Logan: ...I want that one.

Virgil and Deceit: (Rolling on the floor, laughing)

Roman: What’s so funny?

Deceit: (Still laughing) We sold our souls to the devil!

Patton: Oh my goodness! Why-

Virgil: (Through laughter) WE HAVE NO SOUL!

Logan: Consuming 85 chocolate bars, 70 cups of coffee, 13 consecutive shots, 2 ground cherry pits, or 1.59 gallons of water is enough to kill you.

Virgil: (Getting up) Oh. Neato.

Virgil: (Leaving the room) Hang on, I gotta go to the grocery store.

Logan: Virgil no-

Roman: (leg stuck in a chair) Now, you may be asking, ‘How did you do this to yourself, Roman?’

Roman: (trying to get unstuck) Well kids, Roman has no fucking clue either.

Virgil: Why is Logan crying?

Roman: He took one of the ‘Which Sanders Side are you’ quizzes….

Virgil: Oh man, who’d he get?

Roman: Me….

Roman: (walking into kitchen) Yes, I finally finished this script!

Logan: Ah. Excellent work, Roman.

Roman: Now it’s time to reward myself with some water!

Logan: Wh- Roman, that’s not a reward, that’s something you need to survive!

Roman: (shrugging) I needed to finish that script. Surviving was not a luxury I could afford.

Virgil: (yeets a water bottle at Roman from the living room) HYDRATE YOURSELF, BITCH!

Virgil: Consider the following.

Virgil: Seatbelts. Except they throw you out of your seat and they’re called yeetbelts.

Logan: (Whispers under his breath as he vigorously searches through his flashcards) What the fuck is a ‘yeet’?

Virgil: I’ve been dropping him really obvious hints for, like, ages now. No response.

Roman: Wow. He sounds stupid.

Virgil: But he’s not. He’s kinda smart, actually. Just dense.

Roman: Maybe you need to be more obvious? Like, I don’t know… ‘Hey! I love you.’

Virgil: I guess your right. Hey Ro, I love you.

Roman: See?! Just say that!

Virgil: Holy fucking shit.

Roman: If that flies over his head then, sorry Virg, but he’s too dumb for you.

Virgil: Roman-

(Harry Potter AU)  
Roman: I failed the Auror safety course today.

Virgil: Why? What happened?

Roman: Well, one of the questions was ‘In case of a fire, what steps would you take?’

Virgil: And?

Roman: Well apparently, ‘FUCKING LARGE ONES’ isn’t an acceptable answer.

Roman: I hate you.

Virgil: You hate me?

Virgil: Wow, we have so much in common already!

Patton: Deceit, are you ticklish?

Deceit: (takes 10 steps back) No, of course not.

Roman: FIGHT ME YOU NERD ASS SL*T!

Logan: At least try to sound slightly sophisticated when you threaten someone?

Roman: ...Dost thou want to engage in a duel, my good BITCH??

Logan: Somehow, that is worse.

Roman: Would you shoot your best friend in the leg for ten million dollars?

Virgil: You shoot me, then, when my leg gets better, we buy a mansion, 12 Ferraris, and a private plane.

Roman: You can shoot me too! Then we get twenty million dollars!

Virgil: Good thinking. Fuck the system.

Logan: Why are you two like this?

Deceit: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Roman: Why?

Deceit: To get to the idiot’s house. Knock knock.

Roman: Who’s there?

Deceit: The chicken.

Roman:

Deceit:

Roman:

Deceit:

Roman: I won’t slash you in the face with my sword on one condition.

Deceit: ...Yeah?

Roman: Go tell that joke to Logan.

Patton: (traps a spider under a cup)

Deceit: (appears and sets down 2 more cups)

Patton: (whisper shouts) NO!

Deceit: (shuffles cups)

Deceit: (writing in his diary) Day 183. I’m stuck in what appears to be the ‘light realm’, surrounded by creatures of all sorts of species, the likes of which I’ve never seen before. After months of thorough observation, I have concluded that-

Virgil: *to the tune of Final Countdown* IT’S A MENTAL BREAKDOWN!

Roman: (off-key kazoo)

Deceit: …

Deceit: -there is no intelligent life here.

Roman: Virgil, your hair’s a mess!

Virgil: Yeah, well so’s my life but I still look cute as fuck.

Virgil: I’ve got about as much sex appeal as a math book.

Logan: I don’t know, I’ve never met anyone that opened a math book and didn’t say ‘Fuck me’

Virgil: !

Roman: (impressed) That was smooth as fuck!


	2. MORE!!

Roman: (middle of the night) What time is it?

Virgil: I dunno, hand me that trombone.

Virgil: (blasts the trombone)

Logan: WHO IS PLAYING THE FUCKING TROMBONE AT 2 A.M.?

Virgil: 2 a.m.

Roman: (singing to Virgil) I just want you for my own~

Virgil: (singing to Roman) Please leave me the fuck alone~

Roman: (out of nowhere) The floor is hating Virgil!

Patton: (latches on to the ceiling)

Virgil: (Drops to the floor)

Everyone else: (simultaneously) VIRGIL NO!!

Virgil: You Know how when you play video games that let you sleep to recover, you can only sleep if it’s safe?

Virgil: Otherwise, they won’t let you and you get a message like, ‘You cannot sleep now, there are enemies nearby’.

Virgil: Now, remember the last time you couldn’t sleep?

Virgil: Because I do.

Thomas: Don’t do this shit to me, Virgil!

Patton: It’s dark, I’m scared.

Roman: Don’t worry, Pat. I got this.

Roman: (Stomps foot)

Roman: (Sketchers light up)

Logan: Anxiety! Get off the ceiling, now!!

Patton: Aw, c’mon, Logan. Use a little love and kindness.

Patton: Kiddo, you wanna come down for us? Pretty please?

Virgil: (On the ceiling) *demonic hissing*

Roman: (smacks him down with a broom) STOP BEING SO EXTRA, YOU LITTLE EDGE-LORD! THAT’S MY JOB.

Patton: Tomorrow is trash day, just a reminder.

Virgil: (immediately stands up and walks outside to sit on the curb)

Logan: Star signs, Hogwarts house, alignment, none of that matters. To find out who someone truly is, you only need to ask one question.

Logan: Do you dab, or do you yeet?

Virgil: Logan, a grown man with a doctorate in genetics, just whispered, “Oh, this is going to be so fucking efficient,” before spraying Febreze directly into the ceiling fan and proceeding to cough his guts out when it blew back into his face.

Patton: Umm… guys? I kinda, sorta, a little bit, broke something…?

Roman: Someone’s heart?

Virgil: Someone’s bones?

Patton: N-no… I was gonna say a jar of Crofter’s-

Logan: You what- 

Roman: Someone said she made one of the first edible paintings. Any painting is edible if you’re brave enough.

Logan: Most older paintings are made from lead-based paint; if you wish to die, by all means, eat every painting.

Virgil: (covered in glitter)

Logan: Why??

Virgil: Remy said when in doubt, just add glitter.

Virgil: And I’m always in doubt.

Virgil: Have you ever seen something that changes your life and you’re just like ‘huh.’

Roman: I saw you.

Virgil: Honestly, that’s so gay and smooth but it makes this awkward cause I was gonna show you a meme of Logan sleeping in a bathtub full of noodles.

Virgil: When I go to jail, I’m changing my name to mitochondria, because mi-

Logan: Mitochondria is the powerhouse of the cell, yeah, we get it. 

Patton: That’s genius!

Roman: Is no one going to bring up the fact that he said ‘when’ instead of ‘if’?

Deceit: Please stop saying ‘yeet’, it’s not funny anymore.

Roman: I’ll stop saying ‘yeet’ when my soul leaves my body.

Deceit:

Virgil:

Virgil: So when this bitch EMPTY-

Deceit: UGH

Roman and Virgil: YEET

Roman: I would do anything for you, Virgil.

Virgil: Tell me my hair is prettier than yours.

Roman: ...Almost anything

Patton: Oh my goodness gracious, Logan! Look at this cat onesie! Can I get it, please?!

Logan: Patton, we came here expressly to purchase some new socks. 

Patton: (Puppy dog eyes)

Logan: …

**1 hour later**

*Patton and Logan are sitting on the couch, Patton is in a cat onesie, Logan is in a unicorn one**

Logan: I am still unsure as to what happened….

Logan: No regrets.

Roman: Anxiety!

Virgil: What?

Roman: You kicked me in your sleep!

Virgil: Who said I was asleep?

Roman: *offended princey noises*

Virgil: Can someone hire a hitman to kill me, please?

Patton: How about I be a hugman who hugs you?

Anythings possible!

Thomas: Thanks, Roman.

Roman: That wasn’t me, that was Virgil.

Virgil: Seriously… anything could possibly go wrong right now.

Thomas: ...thanks, Virgil.

Virgil: In light of what you did today, you can hug me for 4-5 seconds.

Patton: 45 SECONDS?!

Virgil: NO 4-5 SECONDS!

Roman: *dramatically* Well, there is one being in this universe that has reached maximum gay.

Logan: That is theoretically impossible. Name one person that couldn’t possibly be gayer.

Roman: Remy.

Patton: Remy.

Virgil: Remy. 

Thomas: Remy.

Roman: I don’t know how to tell you this, Virgil, but you’re in love with me. 

Virgil: ...what?

Virgil: ...oh my god. I AM!

Logan: What kind of confession did I just witness?

Roman: How did none of you hear what I just said?

Virgil: I’ve been zoned out for the last two and a half hours.

Patton: I got distracted halfway through.

Logan: Ignoring you was a conscious decision.

Roman: (bursts into the room and slams door shut, clearly panicked)

Virgil: Oh god, what did you do?!

Roman: Nobody died!

Virgil: WHAT KIND OF ANSWER IS THAT??!!

Roman: Did you know people who sleep more have a higher chance of dying?

Virgil: Shush. I’m trying to sleep.

Patton: You shouldn’t be unhappy because unhappy spelled backwards is yppahnu and I don’t know what that means.


	3. Even More!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> I can't believe I already have 12 kudos!
> 
> Thank you guys so much!
> 
> Updates will be completely random as I post when I find things, but I will try to do it as often as possible. 
> 
> Thanks again!
> 
> (Sorry if I repeat things, I'm doing my best to stay organized.)

Virgil: Lo, are you going to eat all of that Crofter’s?

Logan: (holding 5 separate bags full of Crofter’s) No, this is for everyone else too.

Virgil: *narrator voice* He was lying.

Deceit: If you hate yourself and you know it clap your hands.

Virgil: (claps)

Patton: (slaps Virgil)

Remus: So, how’s your day going?

Deceit: Well, Virgil asked me my favorite color, then told me I was wrong.

Remus: So, pretty normal then. 

Logan: I just don’t know what I should say.

Thomas: Just say, ‘I’m sorry for your loss.’ then move on. 

*At the funeral*

Logan: I’m sorry for your loss. Move on.

Virgil: So let me get this straight-

Roman: More like, let me run this bi you. 

Patton: Let's see how this pans out. 

Logan: We should ace-ess the situation.

Thomas: I’m gay.

Thomas: Alright, I expect everyone to bring me their ideas and contributions for the new video tomorrow. Is that alright with everyone?

The sides: *Mumble in agreement*

Deceit: What if we forget to bring it or don’t want to?

Logan: (Not looking up from his book and sounding dead serious) I’m afraid we would have to break your legs then.  
Virgil: (choking on drink, laughing)

Patton: It’s a little muggy out today.

Logan: I swear to god if I go outside and all of our mugs are on the lawn, I’m leaving.

Patton: (sips hot cocoa from a bowl)

Virgil: I have only slept 9 hours over the past 4 days and I am on the verge of a nervous breakdown.

Virgil: (bites phone)

Virgil: This isn’t a bagel.

Virgil: (pointing at Roman) Dis a prince.

Virgil: (pointing at Logan) Dis a teach.

Virgil: (pointing at Patton) Dis a dad.

Virgil: (pointing at Deceit) Dis a snake.

Virgil: (pointing at Remus) Dis a duke.

Virgil: (pointing at himself) Disappointment.

Patton: Virgil, no!

Virgil: I’m the most chill person I know.

Roman: Last night, the cashier gave you the wrong king of McFlurry, and you screamed, ‘YOU MCFUCKED UP!’ at him.

Virgil: (talking about Deceit) Permission to punch him in the face?

Logan: Permission denied. Reluctantly. 

Virgil: Hold the fuck up.

Roman: What?

Virgil: I’m the fuck up.

Virgil: …

Virgil: Please hold me. 

Virgil: (sitting on the couch)

Logan: (pops up behind the couch)

Logan: I was summoned by the sounds of Falsehood.

Roman: I hate you!

Virgil: I hate me more!

Roman: Babe, we’ve talked about this.

Thomas: What happens to Nitrogen when the sun rises?

Patton: It becomes Daytrogen.

Logan: I’m going to my room.

Roman: Good Nitrogen.

Patton: Sleep Tightrogen.

Virgil: Don’t let the bedbugs Biterogen.

Logan: MMMMMMMMMMMMMMM

Deceit: What? I don’t Biterogen?

*Everyone laughs as Logan takes out a knife*

Logan: Sleep Tightrogen.

Roman in a horror movie

*Phone rings*

Roman: What’s up?

Killer: I see you…

Roman:

Killer:

Roman:

Killer:

Roman: Do I look good?

Patton: (Runs over Logan’s foot with a grocery cart on accident)

Logan: (monotone) Ouch. I am in incredible pain.

Patton: I’m sorry?

Virgil: Hit or miss,

Virgil: Depression is a bitch, huh?

Virgil: You got anxiety, I bet it never leaves ya-

Thomas: Really, at 3 a.m.?

Virgil:(Going to get a snack) I’m gonna munch, I’m gonna crunch.

Virgil:(does a very strange walk)

Logan: 

Logan:(whispering): What the fuck is he on.

Roman: If a guy calls you ‘princess’ in a condescending manner, assert your newly appointed royal status and have him beheaded.


	4. Chapter 4

Patton:(sets up game to see how well the sides know each other)

Logan: Alright Patton, what’s Virgil’s favorite thing to do?

Patton: Roman. *Gets up and runs*

Virgil: Wait wha- *gasps* YOU LITTLE SHIT! *chases after him*

Roman: What is the best way to a man’s heart?

Deceit: A knife between the 3rd and 4th rib.

Virgil: You could also use a bullet.

Deceit:(slightly impressed) Valid point.

Roman: Why do I even try with either of you?

Virgil: Bacon bits are just meat sprinkles.

Logan: I’m going to have to ask you to never open your mouth again, tHaNkS.

Deceit: (spins around in his chair ominously) I’ve been expecting y-

Deceit:(chair continues to spin) Shit.

Deceit:(tries to stop spinning) Shit!

Deceit:(tries to grab at lamp or table to stop spinning) shIT!

Deceit:(falls out of chair) SHIT!

Logan: Patton you cannot just keep bringing home dogs! I am going to have to implement a “no animals” policy.

Patton: But that’s not fair!

Virgil: Yeah, you can’t just kick Deceit out like that.

Logan:(drunk at 2 a.m.) Snakes have this thing called a hemipenis. It means they have 2 dicks.

Virgil:(equally drunk) Deceit has 2 dicks.

Virgil: One in his pants and one in his personality.

Roman: Logan, how long does it take until you start hallucinating from sleep deprivation?

Logan: I think-

Virgil: 72 hours.

Roman: How did you know that?

Virgil: There’s an elephant behind you.

Remus:(pulls out knife)

Roman: Oh no. 

Remus:(uses knife to cut box)

Roman: Ok.

Remus(pulls gun out of box)

Roman: Oh no.

Logan:(sits on floor while looking at a notebook)

Roman: 3 SECOND RULE!

Logan: What?

Roman:(Scoops Logan up into his arms) 

Logan: PUT ME DOWN. ROMAN-

*The sides are in a hospital*

Roman:(waking up) What happened…?

Virgil: You were stabbed. Don’t you remember anything?

Roman: Only the ambulance to the hospital.

Logan: That wasn’t an ambulance, I drove you.

Roman: But I heard sirens.

Virgil: That was Patton.

Patton: Sorry, I was nervous.

Roman: Love is in the air!

Logan:(spraying a can of Febreze and holding his shirt over his nose) Not anymore.

Virgil: I’m sorry for all the stuff I said.

Roman: And for punching me in the face?

Virgil: No, you definitely deserved that.

Roman: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends I could fight crime with.

Deceit: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends that I could commit crime with.

Logan: I wish I had a super-tight knit group of friends.

Virgil: I wish I had friends.

Patton: I wish I could knit.

Virgil: You’re clearly not listening. I can say whatever I want.

Logan: Mm-hm, tell me about it.

Virgil: I murdered Roman last night.

Logan: I feel you.

Virgil: Now that I have a taste for blood, I can’t stop murdering.

Logan: Been there.


	5. Have more Sanders Sides Crack

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys!
> 
> Sorry for such a late update. (not that this is an actual story with a cliff-hanger, LEVIOSA :l )
> 
> Anyways, I don't own Sanders sides, Thomas(that would be slavery and that's not ok), or any of the quotes.
> 
> Enjoy!

Roman:(choosing his theme color) It all depends on you guys. If you think I’m red, I’m red. If you think I’m green, I’m green, If you think I’m blue, I’m blue. If you think I’m snack, I’m snack.

Logan: I think you’re an idiot.

*Playing Scrabble*

Roman: I will put down my ‘a’ to make ‘a’.

Patton: I will add to your ‘a’ to make ‘at’.

Virgil: I will add to your ‘at’ to make ‘rat’.

Logan: I will add to your ‘rat’ to make ‘biostratigraphic’.

Roman:(flips board)

Logan: Keep an eye on Roman today. He’s going to say something stupid to the wrong person and get punched.

Virgil: Sure, I would love to see Roman get punched.

Logan: Try again. 

Virgil: I will stop Roman from getting punched.

Virgil: You are never 100% sure about your birthday. Although it is very unlikely, people can tell you a fake birthday and fake a certificate because no one remembers their birth, hence not knowing 100% if it’s your real birthday.

Logan: The English language gets a lot of things wrong, like how people say “(blank) is on fire” but the fire is actually on that thing.

Thomas: I sweAR TO GOD YOU TWO-

Logan and Virgil:(giggling)

Virgil:

Logan:

Virgil:

Logan:

Virgil: What if every time you’re dizzy you can feel the Earth spinning and it’s not just you.

Thomas: HHHHHHHH

Patton: Why are you so exhausted?

Virgil: Well, I’ve been existing all day.

Deceit: Logan thinks he’s so smart.

Deceit: He said onions are the only food that makes you cry.

Deceit: So I carved ‘Patton doesn’t love you’ in a watermelon.

Deceit: He’s still crying in the bathroom.

Logan:(to the tune of Rain, Rain, Go Away) Feelings, feelings, go away.

Logan: And never come back again.

Logan:(trying to open a can of tuna) Our can opener is broken.

Patton: So it’s a ‘can’t’ opener?

Logan: I can’t believe I married you.

Virgil: What’s with the napkin on the glass door?

Deceit: Oh, Remus keeps walking into the door, I thought this would help.

Remus: Cool, a floating napkin. *walks right into the glass door*

Patton: Hey kiddos, did you know a group of sardines is called a family?

Roman: A group of lions is called a pride.

Logan: A group of crows is called a murder.

Virgil: A group of humans is called a migraine.

Roman: Well, you can’t make everyone like you, you’re not Patton.

Deceit: Not everyone likes Patton, though.

Roman: WHO DOESN’T LIKE PATTON?!

Deceit: No one, I just-

Roman:(pulling out his sword) I NEED NAMES, NOW!!

Roman: What are you trying to do?

Remus: Blackmail you.

Roman: Blackmail the Prince of Imagination?

Remus: Yes.

Roman: I don’t like it.

Remus: I’m fairly certain you’re not supposed too.

Stranger:(approaching Virgil at a bar) Did it hurt?

Virgil: Did what hurt?

Stranger: Did it hurt when you fell from Heaven.

Roman:(Sliding an arm protectively around Virgil) No it didn’t, because I was there to catch him.

Virgil: You’re stupid.

Roman:(laughing) That’s it? Really?

Virgil: Give it time. It’ll eat at you.

*later* 

Roman: Am I stupid?

Logan: Yes, a little.

Roman: Damn him.

Logan: Can you ever just be silent?

Roman: You’re just mad that I word better than you.

Logan: First, falsehood. Secondly, falsehood.


	6. Have Some!

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi! Sorry for the spaced-out uploads, school's been killing me.
> 
> I hope I don't repeat things. Let me if I know if I do.
> 
> Hope you guys enjoy!

Roman: What’s the word for that thing.

Virgil: What thing?

Roman: The ‘spritz, spritz’ thing.

Virgil: Love, I have no idea what you’re talking about. It’ll come to you later.

*2 a.m.*

Roman: SPRAY BOTTLE!

Virgil:(unholy screeching)

Roman: Why is my underwear in the freezer?

Virgil: Last night you said, “Oh, this is going to confuse me so much tomorrow."

Virgil: Apparently drunk you plays pranks on sober you.

Roman: This explains so much.

Roman: Today Patton forgot my name and called me ‘Remus’ on accident and I have never felt less loved in my entire life.

Patton: You know what, I am feeling so attackful right now. 

Logan:(Throws flashcards up in the air) ‘Attackful’ isn’t even a word!

Virgil: Go crawl in a ditch and die.

Roman: I hope you get hit by a bus.

Patton:(Walks into the room)

Virgil: Aren’t we the bestest of friends?

Roman: The best!

Patton:(smiles and walks out)

Virgil: I’m going to push you off a cliff.

Roman: Not if I push you off first.

Logan: Patton, I love you, you know this, but sometimes I wish you would grow up a little, at least while we are talking about important things?

Patton:(completely silent)

Logan: I don’t mean it in a negative way, I just-

Patton:(swallowing the 47 gummy bears in his mouth) Nah, it’s ok, I’ll focus now.

Roman: Deceit goes from 1 to 100 real quick.

Roman: Like I’ll say ‘haha, your socks are funny’ and he’ll say ‘haha I hope you die a slow and painful death’

Roman: Why are you single?

Virgil: Because I have a strict dad.

Virgil: Why are you single?

Roman: Because you have a strict dad.

Logan: It appears that you have stolen my heart. Give it back and we will have no problem.

Virgil:(hugging Patton) No.

Virgil: I have many flaws but at least heterosexuality is not one of them.

Roman: Wow Patton, you’re really handsome.

Patton: Aww, don’t be jealous, you’re handsome too.

Roman: I wasn’t being jealous, I was being gay.

Logan: I once quoted a Vine in front of Virgil.

Logan: No one will believe him and he now live in fear of my supposed knowledge of the internet.

Logan: It’s delightful.

Remus: I would like to return something.

Nurse: Return something? This is a hospital!

Remus:(holding a baby) So? I don’t want this anymore.

Nurse: ThAt IS a BAbY!

Remus: Yes I know. Do I need a receipt or something?

Virgil: I need you to promise that you’ll hold my hand whenever I’m scared.

Patton: Of course, kiddo!

Virgil:(holds Patton’s hand) 

Patton:(looking around) What are you scared of?

Virgil: I’m scared that if I let go of your hand you’ll disappear.

Patton:(forgets how to breathe)

Patton:(tackle-hugs Virgil, giggling) Oh no, it’s a heart attack. 

Virgil and Patton:(more giggling)

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Take it easy, guys, gals, and non-binary pals. Peace out!


	7. Here, I found these

Patton: Why did the chicken cross the road?

Virgil: I don’t know, why? 

Patton: To get to their best friend's house.

Patton: Knock, knock.

Virgil: Who’s there?

Patton: The chicken!

Virgil:(looks at him, starts to cry)

Deceit: Remus, do you even know where Europe is?

Remus: It’s a place… I think.

Logan: You’re going to hate yourself in the morning if you stay up late tonight.

Virgil: Jokes on you, I’m gonna hate myself anyways.

Virgil: This is so frustrating! I hate everybody!

Patton:(voice cracking) Ev-everybody?

Virgil:(sighs) Everyone except you.

Virgil:(worried) Dad, Logan won’t come out of his room.

Patton: Just tell him I said something.

Virgil: Like what?

Patton: Anything factually incorrect.

Logan:(Bursting in seconds later) I’m sorry, did you just say the sun was a planet?!?!?!?

Virgil: Synonyms are weird. Like if you invite someone to your cottage in the forest, it sounds nice and cozy, but if I invite you to my cabin in the woods, you’re gonna die.

Roman: My favorite is explaining the difference between ‘butt dial’ and ‘booty call’.

Logan: It’s called connotations.

Virgil: Also, ‘Forgive me father for I have sinned’ or ‘Sorry, daddy. I’ve been naughty.’

Logan: Great news! Language is now canceled!

Deceit:(sighs)

Remus: You bored?

Deceit:(mumbles) Yeah.

Remus: Wanna start drama for no reason?

Deceit:

Deceit: Yeah, why not?

**Having a sleepover**

Logan, Roman, Virgil:(getting ready to play cards)

Patton:(asleep on the couch)

Patton:(Starts mumbling)

Roman:(Motions for the other two to be quiet)

Patton: Go on Deceit… You can jump… It’s only thirty stories

**Virgil and Roman hanging out in Roman’s room**

Virgil:(Accidently kicks wardrobe mirror)

Roman: How dare you!! That is my mirror and you just kicked it!! And by kicking it you have kicked my reflection, thus kicking me!!

Virgil:

Roman:

Virgil:(kicks mirror harder)

Roman:(offended princey noises)

Roman: Knock knock!

Logan:

Roman: C’mon, Logan, this is the most basic of jokes! Just say ‘who’s there?’

Logan: Well, actually

Logan: You’re the most basic of jokes.

Roman:(offended princy noises)

Deceit: I will ruin your happiness, no matter the cost

Virgil: My happiness?

Virgil:(to the others) I’m happy?

Patton:(rolling by unsteadily on Heelys) JESUS TAKE THE WHEELY!!!

Roman: … Patton, NO!!!

Logan: WHO GAVE HIM THOSE?!?!

Virgil:(slowly rolling past on his own Heelys) *casually flips Roman off with both hands*

Virgil:(subtly speeds up in case Patton falls)

Roman:(offended princy noises)

Logan:(Looks into the camera like he’s in the office)

Deceit: Why is blood so hard to wash off your hands?

Deceit: I JUST REALISED HOW BAD THIS SOUNDS. FOR THE RECORD, I HAD A NOSE BLEED, I’M NOT A SERIAL KILLER.

Roman: But we both know that’s not quite true.

Logan: Hydrogen peroxide dissolves blood, just FYI.

Virgil: Do you think if you gave someone a huge shot of hydrogen peroxide straight into their bloodstream it would kill them?

Patton: This house is filled with murderers.

Patton: Hold up, Disney is having a Villantine’s Day instead of Valentine’s Day?

Logan:(to Patton) Will you be my Villantine?

Patton:(high pitched squee)

Virgil:(to Remus) Go to hell, bastard!

Patton: Language!

Virgil: Sorry. Prithee transport thyself to tarnation, you child born out of wedlock.

Patton:(sighing) No….

Roman:(shining a flashlight under the bed)

Roman: Virgil, are you ready to come out yet and interact with people?

Virgil:(demonic screeching)

Roman: Understandable, have a good day.

Roman:(Waking up in a panic) I DIDN’T GO TO THE AUDITION!

Roman: Wait that’s Thomas’ job. *Goes back to sleep*

Roman:(launching out of bed) WAIT I’M HIS CREATIVITY!

Logan:(waking up in a panic) I DIDN’T GO TO CLASS TODAY!

Logan: Wait, that’s Thomas’ job. *Goes back to sleep*

Logan:(launching out of bed) WAIT I’M HIS LOGIC!

Roman: Hey, did you hear we lost contact with the Opportunity rover on Mars?

Logan:(wearing a ‘my battery is low and it’s getting dark’ shirt and NASA pajama pants, clutching a box of tissues and a gallon of ice cream, tears streaming down his face and hair ruffled) Oh?

**Logan trying to be emotionless**

Logan:(stares into Patton’s eyes) No homo.

Logan:(cuddles Virgil) No homo.

Logan:(kisses Roman) No homo.

Roman: YeS yEs HoMo

Logan: You’re acting like a child, Roman.

Roman: I AM NOT ACTING!


	8. I'm out of title ideas so here

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sorry, this one's pretty short, I need more ideas. I will probably make the next few chapters ship-based. Moxiety will probably be first.

Virgil:(Sighing) I’m so alone….

Patton:(Breaking violently through the door) WHO’S LONELY?!

Logan: Roman, you can’t complete a 1000 piece puzzle in four minutes.

Roman: Can’t I? I think I can. I’ve seen it done. 

Logan: Not by you.

Roman:(offended princy noises)

Virgil:(sets fire to pile of clothes) And just like that, laundry is done.

Virgil: Can you pass me the pepper?

Roman: What’s the magic word?

Virgil:

Virgil:(starts chanting in Latin)

Roman:(panicking) JUST TAKE IT OH MY GOD!

Logan:(looks up at the stars)

Patton: What are you doing?

Logan: Naming the stars after people I love.

Patton: Do I get a star?

Logan: You get the sun.

Virgil: This is so frustrating! I hate everything! I hate everybody!

Patton:(voice cracking) Everybody?

Virgil:(sighing) Everyone except you.

Remus: Bye, bitch!

Patton: Watch your French!

Remus:(in a terrible French accent) Hon, hon, hon, bitch begone.

Virgil: Verily I say unto thee, lay thine eyes upon the field in which my fucks are grown and behold that it is barren.

Logan: Knowledge is knowing that a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting it in a fruit salad.

Patton: That was deep.

Virgil: Philosophy is wondering if that means ketchup is a smoothie.

Patton: That was deeper.

Roman: Common sense is knowing that ketchup isn’t a damn smoothie ya nasty.

Patton: Chemistry more like cheMYSTERY because I have no idea what’s going on.

Roman: Calculus more like calKILLus because a piece of my sanity dies with every equation.

Virgil: Biology more like BYEology because I’m out.

Thomas: Math more like no.

Roman: The a in lgbtqia stands for Allstar by Smash Mouth.

Logan: Where did you hear that?

Patton and Virgil: SomeBODY ONCE TOLD ME

Virgil: Hang mistletoe but instead of kissing you have to FIGHT whoever else is under it.

Patton: Mistlefoe!

Roman: SOMEONE’S HALLS ARE GETTING DECKED!

Virgil:(drops Logan off at the airport) Have a safe flight.

Logan: I have no say in the matter.

Virgil:(driving off) Die then.


	9. IDK anymore

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Sorry for the late update, life has been busy. 
> 
> Let's get back to it!
> 
> I don't own Thomas or any of his sides, or the quotes. I have edited the format, but the words are the same.   
Sorry if I repeat anything, I'm doing my best not to.

Thomas: Why is my camera roll filled with pictures of Logan looking like a cryptid?

Virgil:(wearing a shirt that says ‘Does Logan exist?’) No clue.

Logan: I made tea.

Virgil: I don’t want tea.

Logan: I didn’t make tea for you…. This is my tea.

Virgil: Then why are you telling me?

Logan: It was a conversation starter.

Virgil: That’s a lousy conversation starter.

Logan: Is it? We’re conversing. Checkmate.

*To the tune of ABC’s*

Roman: L-G-B-T-Q-I-A

Patton: June celebrates pride for gays.

Logan: Bi or pan, aro, ace

Virgil: Don’t fucking discriminate

Patton: Transgender’s included too

Roman: Don’t agree? Prides not for you.

Roman:(narrator voice) Here are some good non-gendered words to say instead of dude to someone who doesn’t want to be called dude.

Patton: Buddy or bud.

Virgil: Pal. 

Logan: Neighbor.

Patton:(Australian voice) Mate.

Roman:(cowboy voice) Partner.

Roman:(strong Russian accent) COMRADE!

Virgil:(harsh, demonic voice) MORTAL!

Roman: I came out to have a good time and I’m honestly feeling so attacked right now.

Virgil: I came out to attack people and I’m honestly having such a good time right now.

Roman: What is the stupidest thing you’ve ever done?

Virgil: You, probably.

Logan: If you bite it and you die, it’s poisonous. If it bites you and you die, it’s venomous.

Thomas: What if I bite it and it dies?

Logan: That would mean you’re venomous.

Roman: What if it bites itself and I die?

Logan: That’s voodoo.

Virgil: What if it bites me and someone else dies?

Logan: That’s correlation, not causation.

Patton: What if we bite each other and neither of us dies?

Remy:(walking in) That’s kinky!

Thomas: Oh. My. God.

**After Deceit is revealed and kicked out**

Patton: Well, I guess he’s-

Logan: Don’t say it!

Patton: HISStory.

Patton: You love me right?

Logan:(being sarcastic) No. I don’t.

Patton:(starts to cry) But I thought you did….

Logan:(freaking out): NONO I WAS BEING SARCASTIC! I’M SORRY-

Virgil: Stuff you ask your mom.

Virgil: Logan, where’s my towel?

Virgil: Logan, what are we having for dinner?

Virgil: Logan, what time is it?

Virgil: Logan, where’s my phone?

Virgil: Logan, when do you come back?

Virgil: Logan, what day is it?

Virgil: Things you ask your dad.

Virgil: Dad, where's Logan?

Roman: Making my way downtown, walking fast-

Virgil: Hey, Princey.

Roman:(turning around) Walking faster.

Roman: I am going to fight the next person who insults my boyfriend. 

Virgil: I hate myself.

Roman: Alright cutie, square up.

Thomas: Shouldn’t we be asleep right now?

Remy: We should be a lot of things but I live to disappoint.

Virgil:(choking)

Roman: Help! I need to call 911 but the 9 button isn’t working!

Deceit: Just turn the phone upside down and use the 6 button.

Roman: Genius!

Virgil:(Momentarily stops choking) What the hell-

Roman: Me, an intellectual-

Logan: You, an intellectual?

Roman:(offended princey noises)

Virgil: Now kids, you can’t just lay down and let people walk all over you.

Virgil: Lay down in the street and let them hit you with their car instead. 

Virgil: If they are going to hurt you they might as well do it properly.

Virgil: This episode of Sesame Street was brought to you by the letter ‘y’.

Virgil: ‘y’ for ‘y am I alive’

Patton and Roman: NooOoOo

Roman: Don’t do anything stupid while I’m gone.

Virgil: We can’t you’re taking all the stupid with you.

Roman:(offended princey noises)

Logan: Things that are false. Gender, time, the government.

Virgil: Things that are real. The Chupacabra.

Deceit:(texting Virgil) This kid I’m babysitting just had me put 4 SPOONFULS OF MAYONNAISE IN HIS TOP RAMEN!

Virgil: The hell.

Virgil: Is he eating it?

Deceit: YEAH HE JUST SAID IT WAS SO GOOD!

Virgil: Remus?

Deceit: Remus.


	10. Ummm, crack anyone?

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Don't own anything (I don't have the money for that lol), the usual stuff. Enjoy!

**Virgil and Patton making dinner**

Patton: Virg, are you ok?

Virgil: Yeah, it’s just the onions.

Patton:(to the onions) What the fuk did you do to my son?

Virgil: Danger is my middle name.

Patton: That’s not true, your middle name is cutie pie.

Patton:(boops Virgil’s nose)

Patton: You’re my hero!

Virgil: All I did was catch your plate of chicken nuggets before it hit the floor.

Patton: Yes, but you did it heroically!

Patton: I sent good vibes your way. They’re coming. There is nothing you can do to stop them.

Virgil: That is the most treating way I have ever been cheered up.

Roman: (talking over everyone else) Do you guys know what time it is?

Roman: Because my jacket does!

Roman: (turns around to reveal his leather jacket says ‘Time for Roman’s Opinion’.

Virgil @ Thomas: Hey boy, are you a newspaper?

Virgil: Cause there’s a new issue with you every single day.

Virgil: You’re so tall! What do you see up there?

Logan: Everyone’s flaws.

Roman: I know what genealogy is. It’s when you rub a lamp and get three wishes.

Logan: I have met bread smarter than you.

Virgil: (at 3 a.m.) Hey Logan, what is the GEICO gecko named?

Logan: (not looking up from his book) Martin.  
(AUTHOR HERE! The GEICO gecko’s name is actually Martin. That's all.)

Remus: Hey, Dee.

Deceit: What do you want?

Remus: Can a person breathe inside a washing machine while it’s on?

Deceit:

Deceit: Where’s Virgil?

Deceit: YOU GAVE REMUS COFFEE?!?!

Virgil: Of course not. I gave him this can of fruit juice. (shows 3 empty cans of Red-Bull)

Remus: (crashes through the window while wearing board shorts and a Shrek mask) YIPPEE KI-YAY! LET ME HEAR YOU SCREAM IF YOU’RE WIRED AND TIRED! (screams in pain)

Deceit: (teaching Virgil to drive) Okay, so you’re driving and Remus walking into the road. Quick, what do you hit?

Virgil: Oh, definitely Remus.

Deceit: (rubbing his temples) The brakes, Virgil. You hit the brakes.

Remus: Do you know what the question I’m asked most often is?

Logan: ‘Will you please leave the premises?’

Roman: Do you have any shaving cream?

Remus: No, I don’t like the way it tastes.

Roman: Wait, you eat shaving cream??

Remus: No, why would I eat it if I don’t like the taste?

Patton: (at 2 a.m.) Logan, do pigeons have feelings?

Logan: (voice muffled by pillow) Go to SLEEP, Patton.

Virgil: (propping himself up) No, wait, do they?

Logan: (throwing his head up) HOW DID YOU GET HERE??

Virgil: (as he’s nestled in between them) What do you mean?

Remus: How would it feel to shove a knife up your butt?

Deceit: Say one more word and you’ll have an answer to that.

Logan: When I first met you, I did not like you.

Remus: I’m aware of that.

Logan: But then we had some time together.

Remus: Uh-huh…..?

Logan: It did not get better.

Roman: You’re a monster, you will never know true fear.

Remus: Okay, first of all, have you ever heard Deceit yell your first name?

Roman: (pours himself some coffee, sees that it is practically as thick as syrup) Ugh, who made this coffee?

Virgil: (sips some) That was me.

Roman: You always make it so strong!

Patton: (practically vibrating as he clutched his own mug, looking a little crazed) I can see through time.

Patton: (to Logan) Your smile? It makes my day.

Logan: (to Patton) Your happiness? I live for that.

Roman and Virgil: (simultaneously from other areas of the room) Hotel? Trivago.

Website: Please confirm your password.

Logan: (typing) Yes, this is my password.


	11. :P

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Same as all the others, I have no personal possessions, lol.
> 
> Let me know if I repeat things so I can fix it!

Roman: For this mission, I wore the perfect disguise to make sure I was never noticed by anyone. Something so drab and uninspiring-

Logan: I feel like this is going to be a dig at me.

Roman: I wore Logan’s clothes.

Logan: There it is. 

Virgil: Logan has these insanely strong opinions on things on everything. Go on, ask him about something that no one should have an opinion on.

Deceit: Hey, Logan, what’s the worst multiple of 4?

Logan: Twelve, obviously.

Patton: I love bees, they’re very important for the ecosystem, and they’re cute and make honey!

A bee: *buzz*

Patton: (shaking and crying) Please don’t hurt me.

Logan: All right, we are going to put everything we love in the box.

Thomas: Can I put Patton in the box?

Logan: No.

Roman: Can /I/ put Patton in the box?

Logan: No.

Virgil: Can I-

Logan: No one is putting Patton in the box!

Logan: (storming into Patton’s home) Is it true??

Patton: (looking up from his tea) Goodness gracious, Logan! (cuddles into his blanket) What are you doing here? It’s so late!

Logan: (breathing hard) Were you robbed?

Virgil: (coming into the room) Well, I tried, but this guy really doesn’t have money.

Logan: !!! 

Patton: (smiling) I looked with him for a while, but I made him some tea and a little bowl of cereal to make up for it.

Roman: Did you just tell me that to make me sound like an idiot?

Logan: I hate to break it to you, but you’re as close to an idiot as you can get.

Roman:

Roman: (slowly steps away)

Roman: How close am I now-

(The ‘now’ has a ‘-’ after it because Logan decked him before he could finish.)

Deceit: Hi, I’ve stolen your identity and have been living as you for a week.

Logan:

Deceit: (starts crying)

Logan: (hugging him) Hey, it’s ok-

Deceit: (loud sobbing) How do you even get up in the morning?

Logan: Shh, I know, I know. It’s going to be okay.

Logan: Why are there little handprints all over the walls?!

Patton: (whispering to toddler Roman) Why are there little handprints all over the walls?

Roman: (whispering back) Because I have small hands.

Patton: (to Logan) Because he has small hands.

Patton: (to a bird he caught at the park) I want you to turn into a prince.

Patton: (kisses the birds forehead)

Patton: (gasps) You already are!

Virgil: patTON STOP KISSING PIGEONS!

Remus: Imagine being completely naked in a room full of people who speak a different language and want to touch you. 

Remus: That’s a dog's life.

Deceit: Remus, please. It’s 1 a.m.

Virgil: (staring at the empty word document) Bitch.

Patton: Now that wasn’t nice, Virgil. Think of this creation as your unborn child!

Virgil: You’re right, Patton.

Virgil: (staring back at the empty word document) You son of a bitch.

Roman: It’s dark in here….

Remus: (stomps heelies)

Remus: (slips and falls)

Remus: Damn it, I thought I was wearing my light-up Sketchers!

Roman: I’m glad it’s dark.

Patton: Hey Deceit!

Deceit: Screw off.

Patton: :(

Virgil: (distant velociraptor snarl)

Logan: (glares)

Roman: (slowly pulls out sword)

Deceit: I mean...hello Pat.

Patton: :D

*in a jail cell*  
Roman: I HAVE THE RIGHT TO REMAIN SILENT!

Logan: What you have, Roman, is the right to remain silent.

Logan: What you lack is the capacity.

Roman: (offended princey noises)

Roman: (kneels next to Virgil)

Roman: I shall save you from this curse. (leans down to kiss him)

Virgil: (opens eyes and punches Roman)

Roman: (screams)

Virgil: WHAT THE HELL WERE YOU DOING?!

Roman: I was gonna save you from the curse.

Virgil: IT’S CALLED A NAP!


	12. :> birbs ]:>

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> THINGS. Yes, this is the 3rd chapter today, why do you ask?
> 
> Lol, I don't own anything, just rewrote them. Have fun!

Thomas: Where is Patton?

Deceit: Yeah, I’ll do you one better. Who is Patton?

Roman: I’ll do you one better. Why is Patton?

Logan: Where’s the fucking Crofters?

Patton: Language!

Logan: English.

Patton: I meant could you maybe say it a bit nicer?

Logan: May I ascertain the whereabouts of the fucking Crofters?

Patton: You are what you eat!

Deceit: I’m 16 Expo markers.

Patton: Hey guys! I’m here!

Roman: I’m queer!

Virgil: And I live in existential fear!

Logan: No.

Virgil: That was seriously funny.

Logan: Oxymoron.

Patton: WhAt Did YoU JUST CALL MY SON?!?!

Logan: No, it’s a lit. device.

Roman: It’s lit fam?

Logan: (sighing) No…. It’s a literary device.

Thomas: (asking about the dark sides) I need all of you to be straight with me.

Roman: (looking at the other) That’s going to be extremely hard for us.

Virgil: How do you politely tell someone you want to hit them in the face with a brick?

Logan: One wishes to acquaint your facial features with a fundamental item used in building walls. Repeatedly.

Virgil: That is the most beautiful thing I have ever heard.

Remy: Do you want to hang out with us at McDonald’s? 

Virgil: My heart says yes, but my anxiety says no.

Remy: Sorry, all I heard was yes. Come oN LET’S GO IN THE BALL PIT!

Virgil: REMY MY ANXIETY SAYS NO!

Remy: LISTEN TO YOUR HEART!

Virgil: REMY!!

Remy: B A L L P I T!

Logan: Patton… Why is there a big carrot in the bag of baby carrots?

Patton: (shrugs) They needed adult supervision!

Thomas: That’s pretty gay.

Joan: What?

Me: Excuse me. That’s a pretty gay. Right over there.

Joan: Hey, thanks!

Thomas: (places himself in your arms) Have a nice gay!

Virgil: (wants to reach out to make sure all of my friends are ok)

Also Virgil: (doesn’t want to bother said friends)

Joan: (cussing)

Thomas: Watch out, there's kids out here.

Joan: Oh shit.

Virgil: My decision-making skills closely resemble those of a squirrel when crossing the road.

Roman: If there’s a ‘heavens no’ and a ‘hell yes’ why isn’t there a ‘purgatory maybe’?

Patton: Purghaps!

Logan: Oh. My. God.

Patton: Hold that thought-

Roman: (picks up Logan)

Logan: (sputtering) Put mE DOWN ROMAN!

(BONUS)

Virgil: Hold that thought-

Logan: (picks up Roman)  
Roman: ???

Logan: HE said ‘thot’, did he not?

*Skipping stones on a lake*

Roman: What a beautiful evening.

(MEANWHILE)

Virgil: (whispering) Take that you fucking lake.

Deceit: (Steals someone's credit card and runs) Hasta la visa!

Chair: (is like five fucking feet away at most)

Virgil, a gay: (Sits on countertop)

Virgil: I’m cold.

Logan: Just like my heart.

Virgil: Now is not the time to debate which one of us is more dead inside.

Logan: How far do your scales go?

Deceit: (opens his mouth)

Virgil: Oh, he’s got them everywhere. There’s some on his hands, all around his wrists, some splotches on his chest and sides, some symmetrical ones on his hips-

Logan:

Virgil:

Deceit:

Remus: So, do you guys like spicy showers or minty showers?

Virgil: Excuse me?

Remus: Showers… Do you take them spicy or minty?

Deceit: I think he means hot or cold.

Virgil: (to Remus) Ok, so you can get the fuck out of my room.

Roman: FOUR MONTHS!

Logan: What is he talking about?

Virgil: It’s not that big of a deal-

Roman: THAT’S HOW LONG YOU STOOD BY AND WATCHED ME WATER A FAKE PLANT!!

Thomas: If you took a shot for every bad decision you made on Earth, how drunk would you be?

Logan: Maybe a little tipsy.

Roman: Drunk.

Patton: Wasted.

Virgil: Dead.

Patton: I need some advice….

Roman: (appears) Love advice? I’m the expert. I’m experienced with everything. 

Logan: (walking by with his coffee) Says the virgin.

Virgil: (WHEEZES)  
*****  
Deceit: I need some advice….

Remus: Who gives a shit, let’s fuck.


End file.
